The Experience of Freedom

I was sitting in the office of my counselor and in my mind I was thinking about sharing something that I had never told anyone. I had just started to be able to put words on something I had felt for a long time, but the words had not actually come out of my mouth and in my mind it still felt like a jumbled mess. "I feel like something is keeping me from success," I said. Still nothing was clear in my mind but at least I had started the conversation. Chris then probed with a typical counselor question and being the external processor that I am, a jumbled mess of words came out.

For a long time I had felt that something was holding me back from flourishing, from being my best self. There have been times in my life where I have sabotaged or felt paralyzed by the situation I was in. The year after I graduated college, I worked at an accounting firm in Auburn. My first day I was at lunch and one of my coworkers said, "Sarah is going to make us all look bad and set a new standard." In that moment I decided I was going to lower my productivity because something in me did not want to succeed. In my classes at Auburn I felt like I was butting up against a brick wall as I was trying to understand the material. Sometimes I would even experience physical barriers such as blurry eyesight, anxiety, and migraines. I didn't receive that grades that I know I was capable of, and in a weird way, I wanted it that way. Even in my first few years on staff with the Navigators I would avoid situations that would possibly lead to what many people would see as "success" in ministry. I had coffee with a girl in a sorority who was very interested in starting up a Bible-study and I never called her back. Although each of the situations can be explained away by other reasons, I know in my heart that I was being intentional in experiencing that results that I did.

After I rambled on I asked Chris if I was making any sort of sense and he said definitely. What I was experiencing was a desire to be loved for who I am, not how I performed. Although in a twisted way I had spent my life trying to earn my value by my actions, I was only letting myself achieve results to a certain point. I wanted to know I was loved the same even if I never did anything worth recognizing for the rest of my life. As we talked I felt that walls crumbling down around me. Freedom to reach my full potential was something I allowed myself to consider.

I have been working as an accountant for a company called Two Brothers Distributing Co. for about a month. I am amazed at the freedom I have been experiencing. I feel I am "flourishing" and I have already experienced such a difference from my last experience as an accountant. After two weeks of work, I was promoted to be the head accountant, which includes higher pay and more responsibility. Although it is overwhelming at times and I wonder if they really know what they have done in giving me this position, I do feel capable of the job and have already received much positive feedback on the work that I have done.

Although it is easy to feel like my first 25 years of my life were a waste(a little dramatic, I know), I trust that God is sovereign and I am so thankful that I have these times where I realize my need for Jesus. I am so thankful for his grace and that he gives me freedom I do not deserve. I am looking forward to the ways that God wants to use my life and the unique ways he has created me to love those around me and experience this abundant life.